When Childhood Abandonment Shapes Adult Relationships and Emotional Wellbeing

Abandonment doesn’t always look like a parent literally walking out the door. Sometimes it’s quieter, more complicated, and shaped by things our families were also fighting: poverty, migration, colonial stress, mental health stigma, or the expectations placed on Black and racialized parents to “just be strong.”

Many of us grew up in households where our caregivers were doing the best they could with the tools they had, yet emotional safety wasn’t part of their toolbox. That doesn’t mean they were bad; it means they were human, often carrying their own generational wounds.

But here’s the truth we don’t always talk about loudly enough:

adulthood. It shows up in how we love, how we attach, how we fight, and how we protect ourselves. And it shows up even for those of us who say, “I’m fine. I turned out alright.”

Let’s start with an everyday story many people recognize…

A Story So Many of Us Know

Meet “Jade.” Jade is in her 30s, successful, kind, and the friend everyone turns to. She never wants to burden anyone. She’s the strong one.

But in romantic relationships? She overthinks everything. If a partner doesn’t text back quickly, she spirals:

• “Did I do something wrong?”

• “Are they losing interest?”

• “Why am I always the only one trying?”

  
  

She hates this reaction, but it feels automatic, almost like her body responds before she can. When her partner finally texts, she exhales, but the tension never really leaves.

Later in therapy, Jade realized something big: when she was a child, her mother worked multiple jobs. There were long nights when Jade waited near the window, watching headlights go by, unsure when her mom would get home. Her mom wasn’t neglectful; she was surviving.

But Jade’s body learned: “Love is unpredictable. People leave. Connection isn’t guaranteed.” Now, as an adult, her nervous system still scans for the possibility of being left, even when the danger isn’t real.

Jade’s story isn’t rare. For many of us, especially in marginalized communities, this is normal. Expected. Unspoken. And that’s why we need to talk about it differently.

Empty swing in a quiet playground symbolizing childhood abandonment

What Abandonment Looks Like in Our Communities

Many families have histories shaped by:

• migration

• parental absence due to work abroad

• multigenerational caregiving

• colonial trauma

• survival-based parenting

• family separation

• reliance on children to be “mature early”

  
  

These realities often create emotional gaps that no one intended to create. Abandonment is not always someone choosing to leave. Sometimes it’s a system that forced them to. But the wound in the child remains.

How Childhood Abandonment Shows Up in Adult Life

Even when we are grown, educated, or healed “enough,” the inner child still whispers:

• “What if they stop loving me?”

• “I need to prove my worth.”

• “If I don’t show up perfectly, they might leave.”

  
  

You might notice:

Emotional Patterns

• Fear of rejection or being replaced

• Difficulty believing someone truly cares

• Feeling “too much” or “not enough”

• Panic or shutdown when relationships feel uncertain

  
  

Behavioural Patterns

• People-pleasing to stay connected

• Over-giving or over-functioning

• Staying in hurtful relationships out of fear of being alone

• Choosing emotionally unavailable partners

• Pulling away when someone gets too close

  
  

Body/Nervous System Patterns

• Tight chest, pit in the stomach when someone doesn’t respond

• Trouble relaxing in healthy relationships

• Anxiety in moments of emotional distance

• Hypervigilance around tone, energy, or mood shifts

  
  

None of this is because you’re dramatic or needy. Your body is remembering what your mind tries to forget.

How Abandonment Shapes Relationships

Abandonment wounds often create relationship cycles like:

• Clinging–withdrawing: Feeling desperate for connection, then pushing the person away once you feel vulnerable.

• Chasing emotional breadcrumbs: Accepting inconsistency as “better than nothing.”

• “I don’t need anyone” armour: Hyper-independence to avoid disappointment.

• Choosing partners who feel familiar instead of safe: Mistaking anxiety for chemistry.

• Self-silencing: Hiding your needs out of fear they’ll scare someone off.

  
  

What many people call “toxic patterns” are actually trauma responses.

Journal and pen on wooden table representing self-reflection and healing

The Decolonial Truth: You Didn’t Create This Wound Alone

Abandonment wounds, especially in racialized communities, often trace back to:

• colonization

• the breaking of families

• slavery

• residential schools

• forced migration

• economic inequality

• systems that punished emotional softness

• the pressure on Black and brown parents to appear strong at all times

  
  

Our parents rarely had space to heal their own wounds. Many didn’t get therapy—therapy wasn’t safe or accessible—so we inherited trauma they never asked for. Breaking the cycle is collective healing, not individual shame.

What Healing Can Look Like

Healing abandonment wounds is not about blaming your family. It’s about reclaiming the emotional safety you never received. It may include:

Reparenting the Inner Child

• Learning to self-soothe

• Affirming your worth even when alone

• Practising softness without self-judgment

  
  

Rebuilding Nervous System Safety

• Grounding

• Slowing down reactions

• Recognizing when fear is running the show

  
  

Shifting Relationship Patterns

• Choosing partners who show up consistently

• Communicating needs without apologizing

• Allowing space without assuming rejection

  
  

Decolonizing Your Healing

• Redefining love beyond survival

• Letting community, spirituality, or culture hold you

• Understanding that emotional vulnerability is resistance

• Allowing joy, rest, softness, and connection

  
  

Final Message

If you see yourself in these words, this is not a diagnosis. It’s recognition. You are not “too needy." You are not difficult to love. You are not cursed or doomed to repeat the same patterns.

You are carrying wounds that weren’t meant for you. And now, you are learning to put them down. Healing abandonment trauma is a radical act because you are choosing to end a cycle that began long before you.

You deserve a love that doesn’t make you guess. You deserve safety. You deserve steadiness. And you deserve to be held, not just admired for your strength.