Understanding Grief: Beyond Loss, Into the Many Layers of Human Experience

Grief is a universal human experience, yet many people struggle to understand it fully. In this blog series on grief and trauma viewed through a decolonial lens, we aim to shed light on the many dimensions of grief. We will go beyond the typical narratives often found in discussions and dive into the deeper layers of human experience that grief encompasses. This first post will highlight why it is essential to understand grief within a broader socio-cultural context.

Understanding Grief Through a Decolonial Lens

Grief is not just a response to loss; it is a complex emotional landscape shaped by our experiences, cultures, and histories. By examining grief through a decolonial lens, we can uncover the many layers of this profound experience. This perspective allows us to see how systemic issues and cultural contexts influence our understanding of grief.

The Nature of Grief

When we hear the word "grief," most of us immediately think of death—the profound loss of a loved one that leaves an unmistakable void in our lives. This was true for me, especially tied to the death of my mother and close relatives. However, when the pandemic hit a few years ago, I faced compounded and unimaginable grief from several facets at the same time. While the association of grief with death is natural and valid, it represents only one facet of a much more complex human experience.

Grief, in its truest form, is our natural response to any significant loss. It touches every corner of our lives in ways we might not even recognize. Traditional Western psychology often misses a crucial aspect: grief is also our response to systemic harm. It reflects the theft of our dignity, the loss of safety in spaces that should protect us, and the ongoing trauma of living in systems that weren't designed for our flourishing.

What Is Grief, Really?

Grief is the emotional, physical, and spiritual response we have when something (including the abstract) or someone important to us is no longer accessible in the way it once was. It's our heart's way of honoring what mattered to us, and it's as individual as our fingerprints. No two people grieve the same way, and no two losses carry identical weight.

In my work as a trauma-focused psychotherapist, I've witnessed countless clients discover that their unexplained sadness, anger, or sense of disconnection stems from unrecognized grief. The revelation often brings both relief and validation: "So this is why I've been feeling this way."

Solitude in grief

The Many Faces of Grief: A Decolonial Understanding

Missing Loved Ones

Military deployment, incarceration, immigration, or simply living far from family creates what we might call "ambiguous loss"—grieving someone who is alive but absent from our daily lives. For immigrant families, this grief is compounded by the knowledge that systems of oppression may have forced the separation.

Motor Vehicle Accidents and Sudden Trauma

Car accidents, even minor ones, can trigger profound grief responses that society often minimizes. We grieve our sense of invincibility, our trust in our bodies, and our belief that we control our destiny. The survivor's guilt, hypervigilance while driving, and fear of getting behind the wheel are all grief responses to the loss of our pre-accident selves.

Mobility and Physical Changes

When injury, illness, aging, or disability changes how we move through the world, we grieve not just our physical abilities but our independence, identity, and place in an ableist society. The athlete who can no longer compete, the elder who can no longer drive, and the person navigating new mobility needs all experience grief that extends far beyond the physical loss.

Loss of Control in Parental Conflicts

Children caught in high-conflict divorces, custody battles, or parental alienation experience a unique form of grief. They grieve their sense of safety, their belief in their parents' ability to protect them, and their childhood innocence. They may grieve the loss of one parent while that parent is still alive but inaccessible due to conflict. This grief is often overlooked because adults assume children are "resilient" or will "get over it."

Health and Body Changes

When chronic illness enters our lives, we don't just lose our health; we lose our sense of invincibility, our future plans, and sometimes our identity as a "healthy person." The woman diagnosed with diabetes grieves the freedom of eating without calculation. The athlete facing a career-ending injury grieves not just their sport but their entire sense of self.

Dreams Deferred and Paths Not Taken

The entrepreneur whose business fails grieves not just the financial loss but the vision they held for their future. The student who doesn't get into their dream program grieves the life they imagined living. We must also acknowledge how systemic barriers create additional layers of grief—the brilliant student denied opportunities due to poverty, the innovative entrepreneur unable to access capital due to discrimination, and the artist whose cultural expression is deemed "unmarketable."

Fertility and Family Planning

Perhaps no grief is more misunderstood than that surrounding fertility struggles, pregnancy loss, or the decision to remain childless. Each month that passes without conception, each pregnancy that doesn't continue, and each choice to prioritize other life paths all carry their own grief. For marginalized communities, this grief is compounded by medical racism, lack of culturally competent care, and economic barriers to fertility treatments.

Relationship Losses

Divorce doesn't just end a marriage; it ends shared dreams, daily routines, extended family connections, and often financial security. The grief of estrangement from family members carries the unique pain of loving someone who is still alive but no longer accessible. For individuals from collectivist cultures, family estrangement may also mean losing cultural identity and community belonging.

Financial Security and Stability

Job loss, financial hardship, or economic instability trigger grief responses that our culture rarely acknowledges. We grieve not just the money but the security and identity that came with our work. For communities historically excluded from wealth-building opportunities, financial grief carries additional weight—it's not just personal loss but generational loss.

Identity and Independence

Aging, disability, major life transitions, or trauma can alter our sense of who we are. The independent person who now needs assistance, the sharp-minded individual facing cognitive changes, and the confident person dealing with anxiety all experience grief for their former selves.

Discrimination and Systemic Oppression

When we experience racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, ableism, or any form of discrimination, we grieve multiple losses simultaneously. We grieve our sense of safety, our belief in fairness, and our trust in institutions. The Black child who learns that their skin color makes others afraid grieves their innocence. The Indigenous person denied cultural practices grieves their ancestral connection. The LGBTQ+ individual rejected by family grieves the unconditional love they thought they had.

This grief is often unrecognized because society tells us to "toughen up" or "not everything is about race/gender/sexuality." But our bodies and spirits know the truth—discrimination is a profound loss that deserves acknowledgment and healing.

Isms and Schisms: The Grief of Belonging

Colorism within communities, classism that divides families, and religious schisms that separate us from our faith communities create what we call "belonging grief." When the very communities that should embrace us reject aspects of who we are, we grieve our place in the world. The light-skinned person rejected for not being "Black enough," the working-class individual who no longer fits in their family after education, and the person whose evolving beliefs distance them from their religious community all experience this unique form of loss.

Mistreatment and Betrayal

When institutions, employers, healthcare systems, or educational settings treat us poorly, we don't just experience anger—we grieve. We grieve our trust, our expectations of fair treatment, and our belief that merit matters. The employee passed over for promotion due to bias grieves their faith in meritocracy. The patient dismissed by healthcare providers grieves their trust in medical care. The student suspended for behaviors that would be overlooked in others grieves their belief in educational equity.

The Impact of Colonial Histories

The legacy of colonialism has profoundly affected many communities. These impacts go beyond individual hardships, often resulting in collective grief that can last generations. For example, in Indigenous communities, the trauma of colonization has led to a failure to access traditional practices, contributing to emotional pain.

Collective grief is often tied to cultural identity and community resilience. For instance, after the 2008 financial crisis, many communities in rural America faced loss not only in financial terms but also in cultural practices tied to their way of life. This marked a deep sense of collective grief that persists today.

Why We Don't Recognize These Griefs

Our society has created a hierarchy of acceptable grief, with death at the top and everything else somehow "less than." This hierarchy is deeply rooted in colonial thinking that prioritizes individual loss over collective trauma, minimizes systemic harm, and pathologizes normal responses to abnormal circumstances.

We've been taught to "get over it," "look on the bright side," or "be grateful for what we have." These well-meaning but misguided responses leave us feeling ashamed of our natural grief responses and disconnected from our communities' understanding of collective healing.

Additionally, many of these losses are ongoing or cyclical. Unlike death, which has a clear before and after, losses like discrimination, chronic illness, or systemic oppression may ebb and flow, making it harder to identify and process our grief.

The Layers of Grief

Grief is a complex emotional landscape that includes several feelings. These feelings can change based on various factors such as cultural beliefs, societal norms, and personal coping styles.

• Sadness: Often perceived as the most common aspect of grief, sadness can feel overwhelming. For many individuals, this emotion can last for months, leading to difficulty in daily responsibilities.

  
  

• Anger: It is typical to experience anger during the grieving process. This anger might be directed at the deceased, oneself, or even external factors. A study revealed that 63% of those grieving felt anger towards others during their mourning period.

  
  

• Guilt: This emotion often complicates grief, with individuals wondering if they could have done more for their loved ones.

  
  

• Relief: Paradoxically, relief can emerge, especially when the deceased has suffered. This can create inner conflict and feelings of guilt, adding further layers of complexity to the grieving process.

  
  

Recognizing these layers helps us comprehend grief's multifaceted nature and emphasizes that all feelings deserve space and acknowledgment.

The journey of grief

Cultural Perspectives on Grief

Culture plays a critical role in how individuals face grief. Various cultures have unique rituals that guide the grieving process and offer a framework for coping with loss.

For example, in some African cultures, communal mourning is celebrated, where gathered friends and family provide support through singing and sharing memories. This collective approach fosters a community spirit that helps alleviate feelings of loneliness. In contrast, certain Asian cultures may stress personal reflection, promoting solitude as a means of processing grief.

Understanding these cultural perspectives is vital in supporting those who are grieving. Recognizing the diversity of grieving methods can lead to more compassionate and tailored approaches to help individuals through their pain.

The Role of Language in Grief

Language significantly influences how we understand and express grief. The terms we choose can either validate or dismiss our feelings. Many Indigenous languages contain specific words that capture the nuances of grief, allowing individuals to articulate their emotions more freely.

However, colonial languages frequently lack the depth necessary to convey these sentiments. For example, studies indicate that up to 40% of Indigenous languages have been documented as having unique terms related to grief that simply do not translate into colonial languages. This often leads individuals to struggle when finding the right words to express their emotions.

Adopting a decolonial approach to language can enhance our capacity to acknowledge diverse grieving expressions. It allows individuals the freedom to share their experiences authentically and promotes healing within communities.

Remembrance and reflection in grief

Moving Forward: Embracing Grief as a Journey

As we navigate through the complexities of grief, it is crucial to acknowledge that it is a journey, not a destination. Embracing grief means allowing ourselves to experience the full range of emotions. We should recognize the layers of grief and appreciate how culture influences our experiences.

In this blog series, we will continue to examine grief through a decolonial lens. In the coming weeks, we'll dive deeper into specific types of grief, explore cultural and generational differences in grief expression, discuss practical coping strategies rooted in cultural wisdom, and address how to support others in their grief journeys. We hope this will help to highlight how various factors shape our understanding of loss and healing. We'll also examine how trauma and grief intersect, why culturally-informed, trauma-sensitive approaches to grief work are essential, and how collective healing can transform individual pain. We seek to encourage open discussions on grief, as we hope to foster supportive environments that recognize both personal and collective experiences of grief.

At ReiDefine Wellness, we believe that all grief deserves recognition, respect, and culturally-informed professional support when needed. Whether you're dealing with traditional bereavement or the complex grief of living in systems that weren't designed for your flourishing, your experience is valid, and healing is possible within community.

Reflecting on Our Journey Together

Grief is an essential part of what it means to be human. By examining it through a decolonial lens, we can uncover its many layers and deepen our understanding of its impact on individuals and their communities.

If you've recognized yourself in any of these descriptions of grief, please know that you're not alone. Your feelings are valid, your losses are real, and support is available. Sometimes the first step in healing is simply having someone witness and validate your experience within the context of your lived reality.

As we proceed on this exploration together, let’s remain open to varied expressions of grief. This openness can lead to healing and create stronger connections among us. By honoring individual experiences and collective histories, we can enrich our understanding of loss and promote a compassionate dialogue on grief.